Bohemian Ohio

These bodies of ours (part 1)

2007-10-05T19:59:09Z

“Every man is the builder of a temple, called his body, to the god he worships, after a style purely his own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones.” –Henry David Thoreau

“We are all cells in the same body of humanity.” –Peace Pilgrim

I’ve been thinking recently about bodies, my body in particular, but also the seemingly ubiquitous obsession we have with improving our bodies. Several of my friends are currently on diets, or on a quest to lose weight.

My relationship with my body and my weight was always a non-issue all the way through college. I have a fairly large frame, but was an active kid, swam in high school, walked all the time in college, and was always within the normal weight range. I was aware, especially in middle school and high school, that I wasn’t as thin as the “pretty” girls, but I was mostly okay with that. I had a pretty good body-image, and just never thought a whole lot about it. My last year of college, I got involved in a very unhealthy relationship (in more than one way) and over the next 4.5 years gained a lot of weight, up to an eventual high of about 215 pounds. When I went for an annual check up and the doctor’s scale said 212, it was a real jolt; I just felt like that wasn’t me. I wasn’t a fat person. There are a lot of overweight people in my family, but I’d never been one of them, and all of a sudden, I was. I started unobtrusively trying to lose weight, while still with my then-fiance, just trying to eat better, be more active, and I was down slightly to about 205 when we broke up in August 2004. Once I moved out, I went on a mission to reclaim the self I’d lose while I was with him. My body was one part of it, but I think because it was only one part, not my entire goal, it never felt like I was dieting. I still to this day do not believe in diets, or in rigid rules. I believe in changing habits, and that’s what I did. I went back to being a vegetarian, started eating smaller portions, and having healthy snacks if I got hungry, rather than huge meals, stopped snacking at night just because I was bored. I started to do yoga because I liked it, walked more which had always been an important mental exercise for me, as well as a physical one, and even started running which I’d never really done before. The first time I went running, I could barely run one minute, but as I kept at it, I grew to really enjoy it. I also went through many other lifestyle changes that were more social or mental, but it all went together. By the following summer I was a comfortable, sexy, happy, and healthy 150 pounds, and I was regularly running 2-3 miles.

To be continued…… (leaving work now, didn’t get a chance to finish my thoughts….)

The leaves sparkle like peridots today

2007-10-05T16:33:25Z

It’s a sunny unseasonably warm Friday, and I am happy. I danced for probably four hours on Monday – practicing for my solo, then in class – went running Tuesday and Wednesday, then did a short workout at home last night and went to another belly dance class. I walked in, and the instructor on Thursdays is actually the girl who was teaching my Monday class when I first started. She remembered me, and told me to come dance with them any time. They’re a ways behind us, but it’s good to go back and revisit some of the steps and just see a different perspective on them. I think I might try the Wednesday class next week, see how that one is, and maybe visit the Saturday class some time too. I’d like to just get in the habit of going two nights a week; I think it would be good for my dancing, and make me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Today is Friday, and I am supposed to go out tonight with S & L. Not sure when or where we’re starting, but we’ll end up at Wall Street for First Friday eventually. I haven’t been to FF for awhile, so I think it’ll be fun. I work 2-10 tomorrow. It’s Gallery Hop, and the weather is supposed to be fantastic, so I’m sure we will be incredibly busy. Should be fun. Must decide what shoes I can run around in for 8 hours. Must really go shoe shopping soon and find some flats to replace my grey ones whose soles are cracking in the middle. I wish there was a machine where I could put in an old pair of shoes and end up with a new pair just like them. I actually have several pairs of shoes right now that I love but are starting to fall apart, and it makes me sad. I think I’ll live though.

So, summary – this week was good – very active, not busy at work, slightly social (I went wandering around with S & B on Tuesday night, stopped in at U for one drink, and saw M very briefly on Wednesday at Coffee Table). Tonight should be social and fun. Tomorrow I want to clean and decorate for Fall before I go in to work. I love my fall decorations, but I just haven’t had the time to put them up yet, so I’m looking forward to doing that. Other than that, just working at the store this weekend.

Life is good. And random, like this little quiz:

Emily

"I'm often imitated but never duplicated."

'What is your personal life motto?' at QuizGalaxy.com

various updates, and gasp a poem!

2007-10-04T00:28:40Z

I know I have been terrible about posting poems lately - it's all because I don' t have Internet service at home, which is where I write. But now I'm sitting in my favorite little corner table at my favorite little coffeeshop in the gayborhood and I have their free wireless Internet and my own laptop where all my poems are, so here is one: It's a first draft, so be nice!

Autumnal Equinox

Summer is over today, and I wish
I had seized it – my favorite
Season – more tightly
Embraced it more frequently
This year. I never made it
Out of Ohio, chained as I was
To two jobs, never went camping
Or canoeing, swam once in a pool
But never in a lake, no
Trucked-in sand between my toes
Imagining palm trees in place
Of oaks, maples, birches, pretending
A lake is an ocean.

It was easy to pretend
We were girlfriends when she lived
An hour away. We tested the water,
Talked everyday, strolled together
Along twilit sidewalks – not as romantic
As beaches but still,
Peaceful, and it was easy
To keep walking, wading in
Until we were hugging goodbye
Then kissing, sliding under
The surface, holding our breath
As we explored.

Let's see, updates...

1) belly dancing - I did my solo on Monday, and it went pretty well. I went way too fast at the end and had to keep shimmying for what felt like ever before I could spin around and pose, but it was okay. I got tons of compliments on my floorwork, and my flutter (which I'm quite proud of). I think those are my strong suits right now, the floorwork because of my flexibility. so it was fun. And there is a workshop in Toledo in November that I'm thinking of attending. I've been wanting for ages to go up to BG and Toledo for a weekend, and this seems like a great excuse. I'm also getting more and more interested in exploring belly dancing as an ethnic art, and also thinking of taking classes elsewhere. I'll give my current studio a full year (which will be up the end of February) and then see what I think. I shan't badmouth anyone right now though, sorry to disappoint.

2) work - we had a good fall quarter, got everything done on time, very minimal problems, and we hit our goals, which means I get a good bonus. It's tough cuz the quarter doesn't officially close till October 31st, so no bonuses until then, so I'm still scraping by financially, but I know there's light at the end of that tunnel.

3) running - I'm back in the running groove now that I'm done working crazy long days. I set myself a little goal of running 7.5 miles a week to start with. I'm at 5 for this week, so one more day will do it. I'll see how this goes in October, then hopefully go up to 10 miles a week in November. There's a 5 mile race I kind of want to do on Thanksgiving, so I'm trying to recruit friends to run with me, and work up to five miles. I've never run 5 miles straight although I used to get really close when I was running so much last summer and fall in Dublin.

That's all I can think of right now.

Rainy days and Thursdays

2007-09-27T14:36:41Z

I am so tired today, and I have the sniffles! It would have been a lovely day to stay in bed, but no, I am at work.

It’s raining too, which is really a good thing, but it made me want even more to just stay in bed this morning.

I am also annoyed because I forgot to bring my lunch. I left it sitting on the counter and didn’t realize it until I parked my car at work. I am debating if I want to go home at lunch, or just walk up to Kroger and get a salad or some veg sushi or something. If I was dressed better, I might see if any of my friends who work in the area wanted to go to lunch. I’ll probably just go get salad. I worked on my bd choreography last night for awhile, came up with a couple combinations I really like, but am having a hard time filling in a bit of slow space at the beginning. I’d like to finish the choreography for real tonight, then just practice the next few days. The instructors keep saying it’s no big deal, you don’t have to choreograph everything, it’s just for the class, but I really want it to be good. And the girl who did her solo this week did a really good job and choreographed the whole thing – about the same length as mine.

I am really looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday, and I really would like to just stay in tonight and tomorrow night. Definitely no $3.00 Long Islands tonight! That was so much fun last week, but I am not feeling up to a repeat.

The more things change

2007-09-26T18:51:22Z

So, fall is officially here. I have not succeeded in writing a poem every day, nor in getting my finances under control, but I’m closer than I was a month ago so I guess that’s good. I’m finally starting to come up for air, as it were, after a few weeks of working way too much, and it’s nice. I’ve been able to get out and be social a bit over the past week; that is always good, at least in moderation. It was very warm, some might say hot, the past few days, but the weather is turning today. It’s a bit cooler, with rain coming in, and it feels like fall. I’m going running after work, then I have coffee plans at 8pm. I also really need to practice belly dancing. I’m looking forward to next week to do my solo, and to see what classes I can audit – the auditing process is simple enough in theory – you can audit any class at or below your level, as long as they’ve passed their third 8 weeks. So far the only class we’ve been able to audit has been on Fridays at 7pm, which is so not a convenient time for me. I was working till 7 this summer at the store, and if I’m free at 7pm on a Friday, I want to be starting my weekend, not going to class. I think a Wednesday or Thursday class is going to be auditable starting next week, which will work a lot better. I wish I had more to say right now, but I’m kind of drawing a blank. I have lots of poems I could post if I was at home, but since I’m at work, I don’t. Ah well…I have a meeting in an hour, then will only have a little bit of time after that before I get to go home. Run, shower, cook, coffee, yay! Happy Wednesday : )

One long happy hour, or the perils of $3.00 Long Island Iced Teas

2007-09-21T19:35:45Z

After working over 48 hours in a week by the end of Thursday, I decided that it was a great day to hit Happy Hour at MoJoe Lounge, so I called S and arranged to meet her there at 6:30. I walked from my apartment, alongside Goodale Park, then right on High Street, taking my time, poking into a few stores along the way. The Little Shop of Shoes had some super cool collage art on the walls, and a pair of really fabulous eggplant colored pumps that are only slightly out of my price range, and Take 2 had a pair of beautiful Eddie Bauer dress pants, long length, brand new with the tags still on, that were unfortunately way too big for me. I arrived at MoJoe, picked up a free Columbus Alive, settled onto a couch, and ordered a $1.50 Miller Light. Leafed through a few pages of the paper, then saw an acquaintance of mine who I hadn’t seen in months. She was meeting her girlfriend and a friend but they weren’t there yet, so she sat with me and we talked for awhile until S arrived. M and R, friends of hers via her roommate B, showed up, and my acquaintance (whose first initial is also S) left. I ordered a $5.00 Mexican pizza, and another beer, S, M, and R had a few drinks, and we just sat around and talked until 8:30 or so. Left MoJoe, and S suggested we go down to Frog, Bear, and Wild Boar because she used to go there a lot and remembered that their happy hour went pretty late. So we walked down to the Arena District, made a dorks from the radio station uncomfortable by joking about lesbians, got a bucket for 5 Coors Lights for $10, and then sat outside on the patio. It was a beautiful night! We left there after an hour or so (two beers for me, two for S, and one for M. R doesn’t drink beer), and walked back to the Short North. S picked two little flowers from a shrug beside the road and gave them to me, so I wore them behind my ear. We went to East Village for karaoke, but it was really dead, so when B called and said he was going to Union, we decided to meet him there, forgetting until we got there that they do $3.00 Long Islands on Thursdays. We got there around 10:00 and it already felt late; I was slightly tipsy from the four beers, the bar was packed with beautiful people, and it really felt like it was midnight. We each got a Long Island, and found a spot outside to sit. B showed up after a bit, and then some other people I know. It was a lot of fun – lots of talking, both serious and not, lots of touchy feely huggy stuff with S and B and I, lots of socializing with random people, and lots of cheap liquor in those $3.00 Long Islands. We stayed till 1:00am or so, maybe later. I don’t actually remember what time I came home. I know I took the dog out, set my alarm, put on my jammies, and went to bed. Did not want to get up this morning at all, and have been very slow moving at work, but it’s now after 3:00 and my day is almost over and I am very glad. I’m debating dropping in on a belly dancing class tonight since I missed mine on Monday because I was working late, but mostly I just want to chill out at home tonight. I work 2-7 tomorrow at the store, then I’m supposed to bring some non-meat products over to the house on 4^th (there are four people who live there so it’s awkward to say S, L, B, & B’s house) and we’re making margaritas, and I work 12-5 again on Sunday. I’m not sure how much longer this is going to last. I’m really so exhausted from working two jobs, and I just hate never having a full day off and not being free on my weekends. I’ve missed out on a lot this summer because of working every Saturday and Sunday, and I just don’t know if I want to keep doing this. The fall quarter has gone well at work, so I should get a good bonus soon which will help me out financially, hopefully to the extent that I won’t need to work a second job. The weather this month has been so fantastic; I’ve been enjoying it a lot, and last night was such a great night to be out, and it made me so happy that it was my neighborhood and I could walk everywhere. I was going to title this blog “It’s a nice night for a walk” and now I keep thinking

It’s a nice night for a walk, would you mind if I joined you?

Do what you want. That’s great ‘cause I’m goin’ to

And not to annoy ya but see I really gotta ask

What a young dude like you’s doin’ out by the tracks.

Are you waitin’ on a train? Naw, let me explain

I’m mindin’ my business, maybe you should do the same.

I’ve just been a witness to somethin’ sick and sadistic

So twistedly disgusting you should feel real lucky you missed it.

Easy with the tongue, son, now you listen carefully –

What you’ve seen is scary but nothin’ when compared to me

I could show you things to paint all your dreams haunted

I could make you scream if I wanted.

-The Lab Rats “Devil’s Train”

Great song, great band, great people (or at least one of them – I really don’t know Brian, but KW is awesome). Saw him last Sunday, up at T&M’s new house, which is very cute. Anyway, I’m rambling now. Must go do some work now, or maybe renew my library books online if it’ll let me….

random gleanings

2007-09-15T14:34:11Z

I'm mostly posting this stuff for me to come back to later since I've had no time to do anything this week.

1) a book I want to read: http://www.amazon.com/Four-Tenths-Acre-Reflections-Gardening/dp/1400061679/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-1389944-9600148?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189866803&sr=1-1

2) Read this yesterday in the course of my job and found it quite interesting:

There Is No Hierarchy of Oppressions
Audre Lorde

I was born Black, and a woman. I am trying to become the strongest person I can become to live the life I have been given and to help effect change toward a liveable future for this earth and for my children. As a Black, lesbian, feminist, socialist, poet, mother of two including one boy and a member of an interracial couple, I usually find myself part of some group in which the majority defines me as deviant, difficult, inferior or just plain "wrong."

From my membership in all of these groups I have learned that oppression and the intolerance of difference come in all shapes and sexes and colors and sexualities; and that among those of us who share the goals of liberation and a workable future for our children, there can be no hierarchies of oppression. I have learned that sexism (a belief in the inherent superiority of one sex over all others and thereby its right to dominance) and heterosexism (a belief in the inherent superiority of one pattern of loving over all others and thereby its right to dominance) both arise from the same source as racism-a belief in the inherent superiority of one race over all others and thereby its right to dominance.

"Oh," says a voice from the Black community, "but being Black is NORMAL!" Well, I and many Black people of my age can remember grimly the days when it didn't used to be!

I simply do not believe that one aspect of myself can possibly profit from the oppression of any other part of my identity. I know that my people cannot possibly profit from the oppression of any other group which seeks the right to peaceful existence. Rather, we diminish ourselves by denying to others what we have shed blood to obtain for our children. And those children need to learn that they do not have to become like each other in order to work together for a future they will all share.

The increasing attacks upon lesbians and gay men are only an introduction to the increasing attacks upon all Black people, for wherever oppression manifests itself in this country, Black people are potential victims. And it is a standard of right-wing cynicism to encourage members of oppressed groups to act against each other, and so long as we are divided because of our particular identities we cannot join together in effective political action.

Within the lesbian community I am Black, and within the Black community I am a lesbian. Any attack against Black people is a lesbian and gay issue, because I and thousands of other Black women are part of the lesbian community. Any attack against lesbians and gays is a Black issue, because thousands of lesbians and gay men are Black. There is no hierarchy of oppression.

It is not accidental that the Family Protection Act, which is virulently anti-woman and anti-Black, is also anti-gay. As a Black person, I know who my enemies are, and when the Ku Klux Klan goes to court in Detroit to try and force the Board of Education to remove books the Klan believes "hint at homosexuality," then I know I cannot afford the luxury of fighting one form of oppression only. I cannot afford to believe that freedom from intolerance is the right of only one particular group. And I cannot afford to choose between the fronts upon which I must battle these forces of discrimination, .wherever they appear to destroy me. And when they appear to destroy me, it will not be long before they appear to destroy you.

From Homophobia and Education (New York: Council on Interracial Books for Children, 1983).

I recall the yellow cotton dress

2007-09-11T20:40:53Z

Rather insanely busy recently, but wanted to note while I was thinking of it, that I am currently reading three books at once, something I don’t often do: I have my own song for it: Modern poems of Ohio (various poets, famous and otherwise), Hunting for hope (essays by Scott Russell Sanders), and Sisters on the bridge of fire: One Woman’s Journey in Afghanistan, India and Pakistan (sort of travelogue/spiritual search memoir by Debra Denker). With fiction, I have to focus on one at a time, but nonfiction and poetry are easier to intermingle. I’m enjoying the Sanders book, and just started Denker so I don’t have an opinion yet. The Ohio poems I’ve been working through slowly, but most of it hasn’t grabbed me; maybe I am out of practice reading poetry, but I’ve found little that’s really impressed me. The last piece I read I did find interesting, partly because I’d read it before with less background knowledge than I have now, and I liked it much better with more background. Let’s see if I can find the full text online and post it here….

Meh, can’t find it. The poem is called, if I recall correctly, “The Black Cat” and it’s dedicated to Sekou Sundiata, from a book of Jeffrey Gundy’s called Deerflies (2006). I picked up the book for free one day while I was at the University of Dayton for work last summer – killing time in the English department and it was on one of those lovely free book tables. Gundy teaches at Bluffton College, for what that’s worth, and it’s a poem that’s basically about looking at Ohio through the eyes of a visitor (Sundiata), which is obviously more interesting and resonant when one knows something about that particular visitor.

Forgive the choppiness of this entry; I’ve been cobbling it together a sentence or two at a time all afternoon, in between fits of working. When I get annoyed with a dead end in my research, or complete a proof, or otherwise feel like taking a break, I’ve been coming back to it.

Life is interesting right now, I guess you could say. It’s not interesting in that anything much is happening. I am so far behind financially, but I really don’t care. I just can’t care, I guess. There’s no point in worrying about it because I’m doing what I can, and I know and believe that my finances don’t define me or my self-worth. I had a great weekend – was feeling a little down on Friday evening so stayed in and was working on my choreography for my solo, when L and S showed up at my door and made me go over to A’s with them for awhile. Drank some wine over there, then some of the girls went out to the club, and S walked me home and we sat on the stoop and talked for awhile. Saturday work was good, I walked in the rain, then took a bottle of cheap wine to the housewarming. We had such a great time; played cards, then Catch Phrase, much drinking, eating, and utter silliness. The pictures are priceless! Walked up to Union around 11:00 and ran into J, E, and J – so very happy to see them, and more silliness and fun photos ensued at the bar. Sunday work was good, and I did some good writing – also forgive me not posting the poems I’ve been doing – no internet at home and I haven’t taken the time to do it elsewhere. Monday, yesterday, good day at work (cake for D’s birthday), then a good belly dancing class.

That’s it : )

Oh, and the title of the post - no big meaning, but it's a line from "MacArthur Park" which has been in my head this week. I used to play this on the piano when I was teaching myself the songs in my mom's 1960's Songbook.

Perspective

2007-09-06T16:08:55Z

I’m working on a project at work right now that literally makes me nauseous; the professor is actually a really nice, interesting person, and the intention of the material it to spark debate, but some of the primary source documents whose copyrights I’m researching really make me squirm – narratives of the KKK, the John Birch Society, and the contemporary religious right. I’d like to think that most people would be put off by the KKK, and my aversion there is fairly standard, but the far right echoes resoundingly in the deepest depths of my brain, and the heaviness I feel in reading this material and researching the authors is deeply personal and still disturbing. Let’s put it this way: I am spelunking in the same fundamentalist caves I lived in as a child, and it makes me sick to my stomach to see the reality from this outsider’s adult perspective.

Float like a feather

2007-09-04T17:53:35Z

I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but I’ve decided I’m going to write 30 poems in 30 days. During one of the busiest months of the year at my job. Like I said, I’m not sure what made me decide this, but it seemed like a good idea last night. I’m doing okay so far and will post periodically as I go, though I make no guarantees of completeness or quality.

In other news, it’s September now. The weather so far this month has been picture perfect – warm, sunny, but not too hot, just fabulous. All in all, September has been great (all four days of it). I worked a very long day on Saturday then went to a very nice birthday party – gorgeous house in German Village, great food, lots of wine, and a lot of very pretty, intelligent, creative, drunk people. Worked Sunday afternoon also, then went to the Greek Festival and had some good food, then came home and relaxed. Slept in late on Labor Day, took a long walk with Mr. Lucky Poo (dog of a thousand names), spent the afternoon watching old dance videos with a few friends, two of whom are dancers or former dancers, then went to my belly dancing class last night, then hung out at home, did some more writing. Slept very poorly last night, but am feeling pretty good today.

I wish I had more time in my days. I want to get back into the habit of running – have been discussing running a 5K with T sometime this fall – and I need to start choreographing my belly dancing solo and give some thought to a costume although that is not as important since it’s just for class. I want to keep writing, since I set myself this goal of a poem a day, and I’d like to send out some submissions. I want to clean my apartment, finish two housewarming collages (one is almost done, the other not started), do my laundry. I want to spend time with friends. I really would like to decide what I want to “do” with my life, but that seems to be last priority since I am mostly content with floating along and trying to do all the other things.

Float like a feather
free fall forever
let whatever be whatever
together we all become heavenly

-The Lab Rats

Summer is winding down

2007-08-29T17:34:55Z

I’ve been thinking lately about picking apples. Must definitely coordinate a day to do that with T, J, and E because we went last year and had a great time. It’s a fall thing to do, and I guess I am ready for fall to arrive; it’s been very hot and very stormy here this August – serious flooding northwest of here, minor inconveniences here, like having to take a detour home from work because roads were closed, but I’m very thankful that we didn’t get the flooding they got up in Shelby or Findlay or any of the other parts of Ohio that are disaster areas at the moment.

I also have to choreograph a two minute belly dancing solo to perform in class on October 1^st. Scary! I have no idea what music to use or how to even go about it, but I want to get started soon. The first two people go the week before so at least I’ll get to see how they approach it, but I need to start working.

I wish I could quit my second job. I really enjoy working there, but I am getting worn down because I never have weekends off. I have Monday off for Labor Day, which is good, but it’s only one day. I also am really really really hoping that we hit our goals for fall, so that I can get a good bonus and get on top of my finances again. That would be a great feeling, and a bit of novelty since I’m really struggling right now. And, yes, I am too proud to ask for help.

Book meme

2007-08-20T15:33:01Z

(copied this from Ali)

Are you careful with the spines? Or do you crack your books open to make them lay flat?
I am relatively careful with the spines.

Do you use bookmarks? Or do you dog-ear the corners? If you do use bookmarks, do you use those fashionable metal ones? Or paper?
I will sometimes fold down corners in books I own, but since I read mostly library books, I wouldn’t do such a thing to them. I have some decorative paper and ribbon bookmarks, but have no idea where they are right now, probably stuck in books. I usually use the receipt from the library that says when the books are due, but any scrap of paper will do. I don’t think I’ve ever had a metal bookmark.

Do you write in your books? Ever? If you do, do you make small marks, or write in as much blank space as you can find? Pen or pencil? Highlighter? Your name on the front page?
Again, the distinction must be made between library books and books I own. I treat library books with the utmost respect. I put my name in the front of all the books I own though, usually just by sticking on an address label, and will sometimes add a notation like “purchased in New York City with Tom, March 24, 2004” or something like that. When I was in college, I got in the habit of jotting notes in the margins of poetry and fiction I was reading for class – ideas for my own work, questions to bring up in class, critiques for an essay, etc. Nowadays, it’s rare for me to write in a book, but it does happen. Usually in ink in the margins, as much as I need to say. I will neatly underline passages as well. Highlighters, never. I just don’t like them.

Do you toss your books on the floor? Into book bags? Or do you treat them tenderly, with respect?
I don’t toss books around. I sometimes set them on the floor, but gently and purposefully. I don’t treat them as fragile, but I don’t abuse them either.

Do you ever lay your book face-down, to save your place?
Occasionally. *blushing madly because I know that's bad*

Um - water? Do you bathe with your books? Hold them with wet hands? Read out in the rain? Anything of that sort?
I actually find the sensation of wet fingers on paper incredibly icky. It makes my skin crawl, akin to the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

Are your books lined up on a bookshelf? Or crammed in any which way? Stacked on the floor?
Well, they were lined up neatly when I moved in. I have some newer books stacked up in front of the rows on the shelves, and a few books out of place. I’ll probably go through and reorganize when I clean/decorate for fall.

Do you make a distinction — as regards book care — between hardcovers and paperbacks?

Not really, no. I actually prefer paperbacks; they are just more comfortable for me to read, in addition to being cheaper to buy. I treat books like I treat most of my possessions – I’m not afraid to “use” them, but I don’t abuse them.

Strength through peace

2007-08-20T14:31:08Z

That’s the slogan that Dennis Kucinich is using in his presidential campaign this year, and I guess it’s really a good, concise summary of how I look at and relate to the world. Peace is the root of the strength, not the result of it.

I am extremely tired this morning, for no good reason, and don’t really feel like getting all serious, so I’ll just leave those thoughts for later.

Had a good weekend – stayed in Friday, worked Saturday, then went to dinner over at A’s place with her, R, J, and M. We had a nice dinner, then sat around and drank wine for awhile and got into a debate which was fun. A had actually paid me a really nice compliment earlier in the week on myspace; she said reading my profile made her happy. I have an odd relationship to her – I respect her intelligence, and she’s fun to hang out with, but I don’t necessarily like her a person – it’s not because of her ex either, or not in the way that you might think. Maybe seeing how she treated her makes me like her less, but it’s not because I’ve taken sides.

Sunday I brought my dog to work with me, then went to see L’s new condo. J & E were there too, and we all hung out for a little while. I had made L a housewarming collage (am planning to make a belated one for S&K and one for T&M when they move in September because it was so much fun – I actually really had a great time making the Comfest collage and wanted to do more and then was thinking of giving L a housewarming present so just put two and two together). After I came home from there, I just sat around and finished reading the sixth Harry Potter book. I cried for the last few chapters! I actually started the seventh book already and really want to know what happens.

On being bitten to death by ducks

2007-08-16T17:37:37Z

The smallest things strike me as funny sometimes. I stumbled across one such thing yesterday while I was proofreading at work: the phrase “being bitten to death by ducks.” Not only does the thought seem silly in and of itself, but what initially made me chuckle was that it was in the title of an article in a course packet on theology of all things. The following sentence caused my chuckle to become an outright laugh: “Ducks are not equipped by nature to be fearsome biters, but if one is being gnawed on by a huge swarm of them all at once they can be quite troublesome.” Then of course I had to read the first few sentences of the article to my officemate so she didn’t think I was completely crazy. I think she thought I was mostly crazy because of how amusing I found this random tidbit, but hey, I take my entertainment where I find it.

The article is by William Hasker and is actually a refutation of a critique on a previous article of his titled “The Problem of Evil in Process Theism and Classical Free Will Theism” and it isn’t really entertaining beyond the first paragraph, the point of the duck analogy being that all the arguments in the critique amount to being bitten by a herd of ducks – not seriously damaging arguments but there are a lot of them to address in the rebuttal.

In other news, I am back at work, relatively busy, but in a pretty good spot for being gone as long as I was. My sunburn is peeling mightily. I have in my possession the last two Harry Potter books and I am looking forward to reading them soon. I also read a book I just loved over the vacation: Necklace of Kisses by Francesca Lia Block. I read some of her stuff years ago, back in college, and loved every word of it, but then kind of forgot about her. Never stumbled across any of her books in the libraries or anything, then somehow I thought of her again this summer, put some stuff on my amazon wishlist, and then saw this one as I was leaving the library. I snatched it up without even reading the jacket, read it in one day, and smiled through my tears as I finished it. Her books aren’t for everyone; they’re very quirky – magical realism, romantic fantasy, liberal social commentary, and a whole lot more. What I took from this one was a way of reconciling oneself to changing and growing older, and finding hope and beauty in the world as it is post-9/11. It’s a light, pretty, book though, with moments of darkness and moments of magic.

Us and Them

2007-08-09T15:30:44Z

Very interesting little article/book review on Slate this morning...

http://www.slate.com/id/2171752/pagenum/all/#page_start

In other news, I am almost done with the fresh veggies my momma gave me. Have one zucchini, a few potatoes, an onion, some of the hot peppers, and a bit of lettuce which is near the end of its life expectancy. I cooked Potatoes and Greens last night (Peel potatoes and cut into chunks, put in a large pot, cover with about 2 inches of water, add half of a sliced onion, some vegetable boullion, and bring to a boil. Boil about ten minutes, then fill the pot with greens (I used the chard I had, but you can use anything you like). Let greens wilt, then stir to combine, turn heat down, and simmer about 20 minutes or till potatoes and greens are tender. Drain any excess water, toss with a smidge of olive oil, a generous splash of cider vinegar, and season with salt and pepper. Very tasty and wholesome!) then froze the last of the chard. I have some good leftovers too from things I cooked earlier this week: stir fried green beans with noodles, and miso soup with chard for lunch today. Some stir fried veggies in the fridge, spaghetti, and the rest of the green beans I mentioned yesterday.

I have a little fantasy of opening a restaurant or cafe some day - "homestyle vegetarian" would be the niche - very laid back atmosphere, lots of local and organic ingredients, sort of like northstar, but less urban, more country but in an eclectic, bohemian way. Not sure if that makes sense anywhere but in my own head, but the idea flutters in and out. Probably will never happen, but who knows. Wouldn't be a bad way to make a living, if I could do it.

Dreams, wizards, a recipe, and a bit of Zen

2007-08-08T17:17:51Z

So I had a dream last night about a certain bookstore client of mine; all I really remember is that I was leaving him a message and I pronounced his name wrong – he has one of those names with a silent letter at the beginning, and in the dream, I pronounced the silent letter. Got into work this morning and saw an email about him from one of his professors and then had to call him in real life and try to say his name right. Random story, sorry.

Yesterday, let’s see…went home after work, walked the dog, had a snack, then decided to walk up to the library. It was hot, and once again, I was highly disappointed in the selection of books; they had 0 books on the history or culture of belly dancing, and only two how-to books on the subject, one of which I borrowed since it had some history stuff at the beginning and good pictures. I also picked up a few novels – an old Ursula K. LeGuin book I read years and years ago, a Francesca Lia Block novel, and a random lesbian novel which probably won’t be any good. Will review those as I read them. Walked back, thought (and hoped) I might get caught in the rain, but it held off. Stopped at the grocery store and got a loaf of French bread, some cheese, and a can of tomatoes, came home, put some green beans and tomatoes on the stove to cook, and sat down to read some more Harry Potter. The Goblet of Fire was my favorite of the movies, and it’s my favorite book so far too.

So, I was sitting there reading and waiting for my dinner to cook when my friend M called. She was over at A and L’s house, around the corner, and they were hanging out and were gonna watch a movie later and wanted me to come over. After I ate my dinner of bread and cheese and the green beans (this is the best, easiest thing ever – empty a can of diced tomatoes with the juice (my fav are the Muir Glen Organic variety w/ no salt added) into a large saucepan, add about half of a good sized onion (chopped), a couple teaspoons of dried oregano, a drizzle of olive oil and a drizzle of lemon juice, and then basically fill up the pan with fresh green beans. Stir to combine, add salt and pepper, and bring liquid to a boil, then lower the heat to medium-low and cook for at least an hour, stirring occasionally. The beans get really tender, and are absolutely delicious. You can also add in some other veggies or other herbs if you want.) I walked over to A and L’s. We watched Peaceful Warrior which was okay. It’s about gymnastics, which I love, but the Zen stuff is just kind of blah; the acting wasn’t very good, and we talked through a lot of the movie. It’s kind of like The Karate Kid, but with gymnastics and sex and Nick Nolte. I came home around 11:30, took the dog out, then showered, and went to bed.

Today is kind of an annoying day, which I blame mostly on the weather. Must pay bills tonight, maybe start cleaning apartment, but will probably just sit around and read again. Vacation is coming. Yay!

messiahs, mothers, and talking dogs

2007-08-07T19:29:33Z

I realized when I posted that last entry this afternoon that I hadn’t posted anything here yet this month. I haven’t been online as much lately. The wireless internet connection I can access at home never seems to be up anymore, and I’ve been busier at work lately, which is a good thing. I’ve been reading more than writing, but that’s okay.

I finished Zanesville but didn’t like it. I got annoyed about 2/3 of the way through and just wanted it to be over. There were things I liked about the book, but it just wasn’t that well written, and the story wandered. Characters I liked and were interested in just disappeared, and there were lots and lots of loose ends. But I finished it.

It is very very rare for me not to finish a book once I’ve started it. There are only two I can recall, as a matter of fact – one was The Crimson Petal and the White which is gigantically long and was recommended to me by someone who turned out to be a real bitch…I think I read a good 500 or 600 pages of it, and it wasn’t bad, just incredibly long, and I didn’t feel like much was happening, so I took it back to the library sort of to spite the girl who had raved about it to me. This was a year or so ago. The other book I didn’t finish was back when I was with my ex-fiance, before we got engaged, shortly after I had moved back to Bowling Green, and it was A Map of the World – I hated it from the moment I started reading – it was so laden with guilt! I hated the narrator, and really had no patience for any of it. I think I may have had a different reaction if I was in a happier spot in my life, but I wouldn’t have liked it in any situation.

After I finished Zanesville, I moved on to the last of my current batch of library book: The Dogs of Babel. This one I actually liked. It was short, sweet, and sad, and very well written, I felt. I’d avoided the book when it first came out because I am a snot like that – I will obstinately refuse to read most bestsellers or books that get a lot of buzz. Same thing with movies, music sometimes, clothing trends, etc. I don’t like being a sheep (even a rainbow one). Occasionally I miss out on something good, but in a case like this, I didn’t miss anything by waiting a few years to stumble across the book on the sad skimpy shelves of the Northside Library. It’s a good book, and I read it in two days – easy reading, not too light, but not too heavy – definitely recommended.

And speaking of that whole buzz/bandwagon thing, I did finally start reading the Harry Potter books…guiltily… They are okay. More juvenile than most things I read, but still enjoyable. Somehow my mother lost book 2 so I read number 1 and number 3 so far and just started 4. I also have 5 sitting on my bookshelf then will have to seek out 6 and 7 on my own.

Okay, back to work now!

Not a baby anymore

2007-08-07T17:52:40Z

Last night, we had our belly dancing “graduation party”…we have finished our 3rd 8 week session and are no longer considered “baby dancers”. We don’t have to wear all black anymore and can start auditing other classes. It’s exciting. One of the girls in my class ended up sitting out the second half of class because she hurt her foot recently and it was bothering her, and she was telling me afterward how cool it was to watch the rest of us and to see how far we’ve progressed since we started. I’ve been thinking lately that I really wish I could videotape myself dancing at home so I could analyze it. I don’t have a wall of mirrors at home so I can’t see myself and it’s hard to know what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong. I may see if any of my friends would trust me to borrow their video camera…. We had a guest instructor last night who was an amazing dancer – very graceful and ballerina-like (and she had killer abs!) – she gave us some good advice on arm positions which I think might really help me. I am at the point now where I can pretty much “do” all the steps and moves we’ve learned, but sometimes I don’t really feel like I’m “dancing” if that makes sense. I know I need to relax and just enjoy the music and that will help.

I might go to the library tonight, take back all my books and get some on belly dancing. I am going to stick with it, and I really want to learn more of the history and some of the different approaches. If it wasn’t a million degrees out, I’d be more excited for the library walk…okay, a million degrees is an exaggeration…weather channel says it’s 92 but feels like 98 because of humidity, and that’s with it being cloudy…the forecast high is 95 which will feel like 105 in the sun. It’s rather miserable, I must say. I wouldn’t mind if it was just a day or two, but this is I think the 10th day in a row that’s topped 90 and it’s going to stay in that range the rest of the week. It’s just exhausting and everything feels so dirty and sticky. I feel like my apartment smells because I’ve been keeping it shut up all day to keep the humidity out. Last time I had the windows open, every surface in the place felt damp and it was just gross! I hate to run the A/C but I have had to do it.

On a positive note, I am soooo looking forward to my time off. Starting Friday, I have 5 whole days off in a row! I am so, so, glad! My plans are pretty vague but go something like this: sleep late, make coffee, lay by the pool and read, do some cleaning, relax, stay up late and write, then repeat. I want to really clean my apartment top to bottom which I haven’t done since I moved in March – I’ve cleaned everything, just not all at once. I also want to do work on a Comfest collage since Jes printed some pictures for me and I’ve saving some stuff from last year that I was going to use and never did. I also want to read more, practice my dancing (that’s probably the one obligation I’ll actually keep during my “vacation” – dance class next Monday), maybe get back into the habit of running which I have been neglecting lately.

The rainbow sheep in the family

2007-07-30T16:37:35Z

Someone I met a few years ago, and I don’t remember who, made a comment to me about how I was the black sheep in my family, and I responded that I was really more of the rainbow sheep. It's quite true, and quite a funny mental picture, and I remembered the phrase yesterday, so hence the title of the post.

I had one of those random moments of wellbeing yesterday, when I was just going about my life and realized that I was happy. It’s such a nice feeling. What I was doing was standing in my narrow kitchen cleaning a bunch of fresh produce my parents had brought down from their garden, listening to an old favorite cd. I got some great veggies: green bell peppers, jalepeños, hot banana peppers, tomatoes, onions (red and yellow), potatoes, yellow crookneck squash, two varieties of zucchini (smooth dark green ones and a lighter green variety with vertical dark green stripes and dramatic ridges), sugar snap peas (only a few, sadness! I love peas!), a bit of okra, wax beans, purple beans (my favorite bean, they turn green when cooked, so it’s very easy to get them perfectly tender without overcooking), some mixed lettuces, and a giant bag of Swiss chard (both red and green). Happiness! That’s a side of my mom that I love, the side that gardens and shares the results generously. I spent a long time cleaning everything except the potatoes, onions, and tomatoes, then proceeded to fry up a bit of okra with onions, and some of the new ridged zucchini and had that as a side dish with one of the black bean burgers I’d made the night before. Quite a tasty dinner, I must say. I have a lovely fresh salad for lunch today, along with leftover veggie lasagna from lunch yesterday.

I had a good weekend, and even got a day off yesterday, unexpectedly. Friday I worked until 7:00, had some vague idea of going to a free art opening or a free show at a bar, but ended up just going to a friend’s house. We watched “For Your Consideration” which really didn’t hold my interest. Some of those movies I enjoy, others I don’t. I loved “Best in Show” and really liked “Waiting for Guffman”, but couldn’t stay interested in “A Mighty Wind” or this one. I came home around 11:00 I think and had an early night. Saturday, my mom called and said they wanted to come visit the next day so I rearranged my work schedule to get the day off – I’m doing my boss not a few favors coming up the next month or so, so it worked out okay. Otherwise I would’ve felt really bad asking for a Sunday off at such short notice. I had to run over to the library before I went to work to post the newsletter for my layout person. I’m alternately totally sick of doing the whole thing, frustrated with the lack of interest from other people, and really happy and rewarded when it does finally come together. Work was fine that day, went home, made dinner, chilled for awhile, then walked up and met friends at Union a little after 10:00 – had one drink there, stayed till 11:30 or so, then walked up to Skully’s, got in for free cuz I was “on the list” (so fun to say that and get in for free), one drink there, lots of shenanigans on stage, and a very good time. Got a ride home at about 2:00am and in bed around 2:30. Slept late Sunday, walked the dog, flurried around and did a little cleaning, then my parents showed up around 1:00. My little sister and a couple of her friends came and met us at my place. We just went to lunch and ran a few errands, but it was good to see my sister. The parents annoyed me, as usual. I mentioned my “obscure object” from college, and my mother totally changed the subject! I didn’t even say anything that couldn’t be construed as talking about a friend, but she just kind of ignored the whole conversation. And my sister went to a gay club on Saturday night – she told me not to tell mom – how funny is that? I said next time they go, they should call me. I’m just waiting to run into her some night. And one of her friends is hot. That’s totally wrong to say, but I can’t help it. After they all left, I cleaned my veggies and cooked my dinner as I mentioned, then went over to S’s new house. There is, as always, a bit of drama over there, but it was nice to hang out with her and the gay boys and the doggies for awhile. Came home around 9:30 I think and read for awhile. Still trying to get into Zanesville – it’s odd!

Artists use lies to tell the truth

2007-07-27T00:59:25Z

Here is a completely fictional bit of poetry I wrote last night. The thought process behind it is complicated and not really conscious so I can't explain any more than that it's a fantasy in part. I've often dreamed of meeting someone in a foreign city, and I love Mexico, and I'd like to get away for Thanksgiving this year (although I'll probably just end up staying in Columbus and boycotting family dinner). The very first line is something I wrote in magnetic poetry on T and J's refrigerator years and years ago in BG and copied into an old planner cuz I thought it was a cool line. I actually meant the poem to be about a guy initially, but then changed it. I might switch it back cuz the lesbian thing is kind of heavy-handed. Anyway, here is a first draft:

Why was winter warm the week you were here?

So unseasonable, the sun seemed to shine

Every day, the clouds fluttered as though it was spring,

There was no snow.

We woke each morning, late, tangled in flannel sheets,

The blanket kicked to the floor sometime

As we slept, molded together, a Sapphic sculpture,

Relief carved of flesh, beautiful like I’d never seen.

I made coffee and we sat at the table, soaking

Up the unexpected sun, soaking up the time,

So limited, so unreasonable, taking this week’s vacation

In the middle of January, so strange at 28 years old

To have fallen in love with a woman for the first time.

We met the day after Thanksgiving, both visitors

In a foreign city, I was lost, you were lonely,

We spent too many pesos that afternoon, finding our way

Through unmapped streets, a café, then a taquería, then muchas cervezas,

A shared taxi finally, until my host’s home came into view

And you kissed me goodbye, chastely, on the cheek.

“Adiós, bonita” you whispered. “Hasta tarde” I replied

and felt strangely on the verge of tears. I looked for you

every day I remained in Mexico, entertained by my friends,

enchanted with the city, but nothing compared to our wasted afternoon.

Returning home the next weekend, I found a message

From you. You had found me in the labyrinth of the Internet

And poured out your heart. I wrote back, and it began.

“Muy romántico” my friends teased, but romance

is just a fancy word for hopeless, excitement mixed

with tragedy, something beautiful, something sad, surprising

to have met you in a place neither of us had ever been before.

And now it is January and you are here, and it is all

So exotic. The night before you are to leave,

We go to dinner at a Mexican restaurant, for old time’s sake,

We joke, wondering if anything can ever match

Our first afternoon, wandering lost, warm cervezas,

Two americanas finding each other far south of our borders.

nothing up my sleeve

2007-07-25T16:42:09Z

Ah life… I am so incredibly broke right now, but I can’t really bring myself to care. I even went out for vegetarian Indian buffet last night with T & M & S (K was supposed to come too, but couldn’t). It was delicious as always! And probably worth the money if dinner out ever is. I am definitely not going out again any time soon though. Nothing but work and free entertainment – running, reading, writing, sewing, walking with the dog, playing on the computer, etc. I’m supposed to go to a dinner party on Saturday, but I haven’t gotten the invite yet so I’m not sure if it’ll end up happening. If it does, I should be able to scrounge up something to cook since I just got groceries this week.

I may have mentioned before that I have a bit of a crush on one of my belly dancing teachers… Well, for the past few weeks I was really wondering if she was gay, just because it seemed like she might be, but I figured she wasn’t because that’s how my world works. So then I saw her at a gay club on Friday, but she had performed as part of the variety show that evening, so even that didn’t really mean she was gay and my friend who was with me at the club said she didn’t really get the lesbian vibe from her. So I talked to her after class this week and asked her how the performance went and she said that’s her favorite audience, and we got to talking, and she is definitely gay, but then she said something about her girlfriend and I was just so taken aback. It was like my only concern was whether or not she was gay and it never even crossed my mind that she might be gay but not single. *Sigh!* Funny, I guess, and it’s totally just a harmless crush, so no big deal.

I love belly dancing though. I really do. I made my first practice skirt a couple weeks ago and it’s so fun to dance in a skirt. I also like the new stuff we’re learning and we’re about 2/3 of the way through our routine now, which is exciting, and the instructors have really been focusing on refining the moves we know and making them more dramatic, more sexy, more performance-oriented, and that is so exciting. I love the idea of being able to perform, although I know I’m still a long ways from that. I definitely want to get my belly button re-pierced if/when I do start performing. Money is an issue though, as I mentioned initially. Our next 8 weeks starts on August 6^th, and T&S are both quitting, and I really don’t know how I’m going to afford it, but I want to!

Let’s see, what else is new? I mentioned the fun trashy books I read recently last time. I started reading an odd scifi novel called Zanesville but haven’t gotten very far. I kind of want to read the Harry Potter books and I think my mom is gonna send me the first few cuz she has them. I haven’t been writing as much lately, not every day, but several days a week, so I guess that’s still good. Still no clue what I want to really “do” with my life.

Thursday randomness

2007-07-19T17:03:39Z

Ugh, I did not sleep well last night! It was hot, and then it started thundering and raining. So today I am just tired. I briefly contemplated writing a poem when I was woken up by the storm, which I should have done since I didn't go back to sleep for awhile anyway. I had meant to write it earlier that day, but I did yoga after work, then had to go to my newsletter meeting, stayed out and socialized for awhile, then got sucked into another trashy but fun book: Dark Side of the Moon by Sherrilyn Kenyon. Perhaps I'll write it tonight. After I go running :)

Tomorrow starts my "other week" of working at the store. It's odd - I really enjoy working at the store, and somehow when I'm there I kind of forget that I'm never getting a day off. It's when it comes back to Monday and I have to go back to my "real" job that I remember I never got a weekend. Sad. And exhausting. I'm not sure what will happen with all of this work stuff as I go on. I want and think I need to go back to school, but I can not decide what to do, and am oh so hesitant to make that financial commitment because I really feel like I just can't do it right now.

Guilty and not-so-guilty pleasures

2007-07-18T19:29:33Z

Two of my friends lent me the first four Harry Potter movies to watch before the 5th one came out. I ended up bailing on the plans we had to go to the new movie because I was (and am) very very broke, but I did watch the first four, and they were pretty good. I think I’d like the books better, since I am a big reader.

I took a nice walk to the library yesterday. Actually, it was less than nice because it was muggy and hot and sticky and I kept walking through spider webs, plus the branch library nearest my new apartment is so small! I found only one of the authors I was looking for, but also found the newest of Laurell K. Hamilton’s “Meredith Gentry” books. Read it in one sitting last night, and while I enjoyed the book and liked where the story was going, I just felt like it was way too short. I felt like the author got lazy and/or greedy and just put out a very short installment of the story rather than a full novel like the first couple.

I think I officially have a crush on one of my belly dancing teachers. I think she’s a Wiccan which is kind of hot.

I also think my two belly dancing buddies are both going to quit after this 8 week session is up. That makes me sad! I am definitely not ready to quit, and would like to start auditing another class to get the extra practice. Belly dancing isn’t exactly a “guilty” pleasure, or it wouldn’t be if I had more money. As it is, I kind of feel that it is an irresponsible use of funds, but I enjoy it, and it is good for me, so I don’t feel guilty about it.

I’ve been craving yoga lately. It has been months since I’ve done any yoga, I think, but that is going to change after work today. I’ll go home, walk the dog, then do yoga before I have to go meet my newsletter committee.

a random thought

2007-07-17T20:13:20Z

Marriage is the ultimate personal commitment. It is saying to the other person, “I want you as an equal partner in my life from now until the day I die. I choose you above all other options. I will love you for ever, and I will never again give my heart or my body to anyone else.” Marriage is a commitment for life, much akin to the commitment to have children. As such an intense commitment, I feel that many people enter into marriage too lightly. They are unable or unwilling to see the future, to see what “till death do us part” really can mean. They do not take the “richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times” vow seriously, and so they do not truly make the ultimate commitment. On the other hand, marriage is a personal decision between the two parties who are making the commitment, and in a lesser way their families and friends. The commitment required is deeply personal, and there is no outside person or institution who can know whether any two people are ready for marriage. When governments, churches, etc try to decide who can marry and who can not, it is, in my opinion, infringing on personal freedom and akin to making rules about who can have children.

Denial is a family trait

2007-07-09T18:17:24Z

I guess I'm still kind of upset about that statement of my mother's, and still debating writing a response to it. We were having an email conversation about how our family interacts and how I feel like we all never talk about anything important and how we don't really know each other, and what she said was this: "Some of us know more than we let on, and some of us prefer not to know, because we like our image of other people better than the reality." How fucked up is that? I've actually written a response to her a half a dozen times but never sent it.